To Be, or Not To Be..
SymptomUnknown (5 articles)

To Be, or Not To Be..

Why do we torture ourselves for the sake of loving someone? Why do we hang on even to the point where we find ourselves slipping…

Like most relationships, the beginning of “us” was wonderful. He was my first big leap as far as taking a risk. There was no secret that we liked one another since we had introduced ourselves a couple years prior, and got to know one another, so we didn’t see the need in “talking” again. We just became a couple. At first we lived in different cities, but due to job opportunities, he moved in with me. Now mind you I had been living on my own for 3 or 4 months, and was holding things down working 2 jobs, and going to school. I didn’t have much of a social life, and I didn’t really have an interest in seeking one out at the time. I was enjoying my independence, and I was beginning to discover my identity…

I didn’t give myself time to be single long enough to truly value my worth and reflect on what I could offer someone else. I didn’t give myself time to think about what I needed and what I wanted someone to offer me. I just went with the flow. There were no warning signs, nor did I feel the need to be cautious. I felt good about him. I wasn’t desperate or lonely, I was excited and confident. We just clicked, and after our initial shyness we began opening up to each other. We were happy. We were friends, and we trusted each other…

That was 2 and half years ago, and things between us are quite different. No doubt we still love each other, but how we love each other is what’s changed, and what is ultimately sinking us. Its taken argument after argument, break up after make up, to realize just how much shit we’ve got ourselves into. Its taken our ugliness to realize how much beauty we are lacking. I mean I’m sure other couples have been through worse and managed to overcome,  but how many times do you have to go down the same path before you realize its only taking you to the same destination? We both talked a good game, but neither of us executed our words with action. We’ve became lazy, stubborn, and have begun to expect perfection from one another, when we ourselves are imperfect. Its as if we’re punishing each other, when we should be pursing each other…

I don’t know what the future holds, but for the time being I can only focus on the day by day. I have a son to take care of, bills to pay, a bad back, a different job to look for, and am very much sleep deprived. What should be 50/50 isn’t so between parenting and trying to keep a household in order, I’m stretched thin. There just isn’t enough time anymore and that makes even the simplest of tasks exhausting. Things are difficult, and I’m honestly unsure who’s more at fault so I tell myself  “it could be worse”. I guess when you’ve reached a certain point, all you want to do is make the most of your better days, cross your fingers, and hope something sticks….

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<p>My point of view on life’s ups and downs.</p>


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